When Bad Things Happen: Having Difficult Conversations With Young Children
You may wonder why I always want to talk about difficult things. This is an important topic to me because I know from my experience that children need to know the truth about what is going on, but we need to do it in a way that is developmentally appropriate and reassuring. Having difficult conversations actually helps children become healthy adults, with the strength and resiliency to handle stressful events.
Growing up, I had many difficult things that happened in my life: addiction in the home, the loss of a parent from my life, multiple moves across the country. These were all stressful events, which the adults in my life didn’t know how to talk to me about. But whether we say it out loud or not, children are incredibly perceptive to the environment around them, and they usually know what is going on. They are also attuned to our emotions and pick up on the way we feel. This is why we need to learn how to talk to our children about difficult things.
Connection is the antidote to trauma and stress. This is true, whether your child is 2 or 17. Sitting down with your child to talk about what is happening is an important first step. However, the way in which you talk to your child has to do with their age. For toddlers to preschool-age children, try to really limit the news and information they are exposed to. You may think they aren’t listening while you are playing the news in the background, but children absorb their environment, and they may be listening to information that they don’t yet know how to process. When children don’t understand something, they often make up their own story about the event that could be far worse than what is actually happening. So try to limit their intake of news and media and talk to them.
Ask Them What They Know. When you first sit down with your child, ask what they know about the event in order to see how they are experiencing the situation and the story they may have created around the event. You can tailor the conversation based on what they share with you. It also shows that you respect them and care about their perspective and voice.
Keep it Simple. For young children, they do not need too much information. Less is more for children under six. For the wildfires, you could say a something like, “a fire started, the fireman were called, and they are going to put it out. While they put it out, we need to go to grandma’s. We are all going to keep you safe.” Children under six don’t need to know all the details of how global warming works and the damage that humans have done to the earth. While it’s an important topic, their brains are not equipped to handle that kind of information. Instead, you could teach them about making good choices that take care of the earth.
Relate it To Something They Know. You could talk about how the earth is like our body. If we give our bodies junk food, our body’s get sick. If we don’t put junk food into the air and the rivers, the earth is going to get healthier, and we can help! Whatever your topic is, make it relatable to their lives. Children are the center of their world and looking through their eyes and experiences will help them to understand things.
Talk About Feelings. Ask your child how they are feeling, and validate their experience, even if you don’t want them to feel that way. Try not to dismiss how they feel by saying it could be worse or that other people have it worse than they do. Listening builds trust. Listening doesn’t mean that you can’t guide them along the way, it just means that they need to know you will always hear them out so they can trust you to share. You can also model how you’re feeling. You can say, “I feel sad and mad that I couldn’t go outside today.” You can also show them how to identify and work with that feeling. “I feel sad that I couldn’t go outside today, so I’m going to draw a picture of the garden and my vegetables. Do you want to do that with me?”
Identify Ways They Can Work with Big Feelings. It’s wonderful when children can identify and express how they are feeling, and we are there to guide them in dealing with big feelings in a healthy way. Identifying and modeling ways to deal with big feelings, help children practice what to do when they are upset. You could say, “I’m really mad that I haven’t been able to see my friends because of the virus, I’m going to do some dancing to get my mad out.” When you see your child is getting dysregulated and upset, offer two choices of things they could do to work with the feeling before it escalates.
Reassure Them. One of the best ways to build resiliency is to help young children feel safe. Reassure them that the adults in their lives are going to take care of them, and that everything is going to be okay. Adults need to deal with stressful events, and children need to know they are going to be taken care of no matter what.
Empower Them! Studies show that in order to heal from stressful and traumatic events, we need to feel empowered around our stories. Thinking of ways that children can help in a negative situation that is happening, can bring about a resilient child. You can show your child that when you see a problem in the world, there are always ways to support positive change. Think of ways you can help. Maybe that means getting involved and cleaning up oceans and rivers together. Maybe it looks like doing a piece of art for a lonely friend or calling an elder who is isolated. Whatever it is, you can teach them that no matter what happens, there are always ways you can help.